under the surface
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: She is about to say, 'it's not your fault', but for once, she feels the urge to not rid him of his accountability. RM. Season 3.


_It feels like there's oceans_

 _Between me and you once again_

 _We hide our emotions_

 _Under the surface and tryin' to pretend_

 _But it feels like there's oceans_

 _Between you and me_

Oceans - Seafret

...

Cigarette smoke hangs thickly in the air, the stench of marijuana and cheap beer permeates. The trailer reeks of desolation and devastation. Marissa thinks it sums up how she feels.

Ryan observes it all with an incredulous eye, his paramount disapproval self-evident. Marissa religiously avoids his gaze.

"Why him?" he questions with a haggard feeling.

Marissa shrugs and sighs, tells him that he should really leave. But he stays rooted and he does not know why. When Seth had told him about Volchok, he had said it wasn't his business and he had meant it.

"Out of everyone, honestly, why the fuck him?" he repeats.

"Because he was the only one who was there," Marissa blurts out, anger bubbling at the seams. The attack is not lost on Ryan.

"That's being unfair," he insists pointedly.

"You asked," Marissa says defiantly. Ryan sighs. He is not ready for this conversation, the rehashing of their relationship and the revelation of their mistakes. _His_ mistakes. He does not think he can stomach it.

"You're too good for him," Ryan says and Marissa laughs cynically.

"Am I though? What do I deserve, Ryan?" Marissa asks. "A good guy who's going to take care of me and respect me. Is that what I deserve? Because I had that and we both know how _that_ went. So, you tell me, what do I deserve?"

"Our break-up had nothing to do with you not being good enough for me or any of that shit. And you know that, Marissa," Ryan counters in exasperation, reading the insinuation in her statement.

Marissa looks away once again and thinks of a time one year ago, when Ryan looked at her with real resentment and shouted about being dragged down by her mess. Ryan's mind drifts to the same night and he purses his lips in frustration. He is looking at her with pleading eyes, begging that she knows he hadn't meant it because even though he has flirted with the idea, he knows deep down that he doesn't believe it. He thinks sometimes that maybe he is the one who doesn't deserve her. She has given so much of herself to him and all year, he failed to give her even a semblance of what she needs.

He sits down opposite her, feeling tired.

"I'm only here because I care," he says quietly. Marissa glances at him and her expression mellows.

"I know," she says after a sigh.

He dares to look at her and sees the fatigue stark across her face. He wonders, again, what the hell is going on.

"I didn't realise you felt so alone," he admits tentatively.

Marissa finally stares up at him, eyes teeming with vulnerability and heartbreak. She is about to say, 'it's not your fault', but for once, she feels the urge to not rid him of his accountability.

"It's been a complicated few months," she tells him at last. Ryan feels his heart sink and fights the instinct to take care of her. His hand hangs down, as though in shame.

"When did it get so fucked up," he mutters.

"Well, if I had to give you a date, I would say the day I met Oliver in therapy," Marissa offers, cutting the tension. A shadow of a smile hangs on their lips.

"I'm sorry," Ryan says seriously.

"Me too," replies Marissa.

Ryan gets up, grabbing the jacket to his side and prepares to leave. Marissa watches him, curled in her corner.

"I know it's none of my business but I wish you weren't with him," he tells her while standing by the door.

"He's not so bad," she replies.

"Marissa, he basically kidnapped you before," he points you.

"That's a slight exaggeration," Marissa says under her breath. "Look, Ryan, _I know_ Kevin is not a 'good' guy."

"Then why are you with him?" Ryan asks, feeling confused. Marissa's eyes cloud over in deliberation.

"It's hard to explain," she states. How can she tell him that she does not want a good guy right now? All she wants is someone, _anyone_ , who will make her forget about her emptiness and not ask anything more from her. She cannot bear to be with someone who will care and who she can disappoint along with everyone else.

Ryan pushes his hands into his pockets and returns her guarded look.

"Call me, if you ever need anything," he says. Marissa nods, tells him, thanks.

After he has left, she pours herself a drink.

/

fin.


End file.
